SICK DAYS : From now on we will not accept anymore sick days notes from the doctor proving that you’ve been ill. If you can go to the doctor that means that you can come to the office too.
SURGERIES – are forbidden. As long as you are our employee, you will need all your organs. You will not eliminate any organ. We hired you intact. If you eliminate an organ we will consider that as an act of indiscipline at the working place.
DAYS OFF FOR PERSONAL USE – All employees will receive an equal number of 104 days off per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS – All employees will take their vacation in the same period of the year. The vacation days are as follows : January 1st and July 4th.
DAYS OFF FOR FUNERALS – This is not an excuse not to come to the office. Anyway, there is nothing that you can do more for your dead friends, relatives or colleagues. In very rare cases when an employee will have to attend a funeral, it is required the funeral to be planned late in the evening. We are more than glad to allow you to work during your lunch break in order to leave earlier, but you will have to finish your duties for that day.
ABCENCE BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH – This incident can be accepted as an excuse. Anyway, it is required a two weeks notice and a replacement should be ready to take over your job.
TOILET USAGE – Too much time is wasted in the toilet. From now on everybody will use the toilet in alphabetical order, like : employees name starting with “A” will go between 8:00 and 8:20, the ones with “B” from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you cannot go in the designated frame of time you will have to wait until the next day when is your turn again. In situations of emergencies the employees can switch places, but both supervisors of the persons involved needs to approve in write this change. More, now there is a 3 minutes restriction for stationing in the toilet. At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will be set on, the toilet paper will be automatic locked, the door will open and the felon will be photographed. At the second felony the picture will be published in the company’s newspaper under “felonies”.
LUNCH BREAK – the Skinny persons will be allowed 30 minutes in order to eat and look healthier. The persons with normal weight will be allowed 15 minutes in order to maintain their silhouette. The overweighed persons will get 5 minutes – enough to take their diet pill.
HOW WE DRESS – It is recommended to come to the office dressed according with your salary. If you wear a 350 $ Prada shoes or a 600 $ Gucci purse we will assume that you are doing well from the financial point of view, therefore you don’t need a raise. If you are poorly dressed, you will have to learn how to manage better your money in order to buy nicer clothes, therefore you don’t need a raise. If you are properly dressed, then you are where you supposed to be and you don’t need a raise.
Wishing you a wonderful week,